Archer PU
by Red Witch
Summary: Archer has some exciting news to share. The rest of the gang are not as enthusiastic.


**The disclaimer that I don't own any Archer characters has driven off into the sunset. I just saw something online and I just had to write this little bit of insanity.**

 **Archer PU **

"Meeting! I'm calling **a meeting**!" Archer called out. "Everyone to the bullpen for an emergency meeting! I have **news** people! Important news!"

"Oh goody," Ray said sarcastically as the gang congregated in the bullpen. "I thought we would go a **whole day** without another stupid meeting. I was wrong."

"Archer…" Cyril growled. " **I** am the head of this agency! **I** call the meetings!"

"Still think you're in charge huh?" Pam remarked.

"You know…?" Cyril glared at her.

"Guys! I have some very important news for all of you!" Archer said. "This news is going to blow your mind!"

"I highly doubt it," Mallory sighed as she took a drink. "But go ahead Sterling. Did we finally get a decent client?"

"Let me guess," Lana spoke up. "It's a divorce case where we have to get the goods on a husband and/or wife?"

"No," Archer said. "The news is…"

"Our client has a daughter that was kidnapped by the mob!" Pam spoke up. "So he needs us to go rescue her?"

"No," Archer let out a sigh. "What I was saying is that…"

"Our client has a small business and he's being threatened by the mob," Ray spoke up. "He can't pay protection money so he's coming to us for help."

"NO! No mob!" Archer snapped. "This has nothing to do with the mob!"

"Then it's got to be blackmail," Cheryl said. "And we need to steal the disk…"

"We've already **done that**!" Pam interrupted.

"Oh yeah, right," Cheryl remembered.

"It has nothing to do with blackmail," Archer said.

"Well then how about **a black male?"** Pam asked. "A strong sexy guy…"

"OOH! With strong hands that can choke me?" Cheryl spoke up. "Like Conway Stern?"

" **No!"** Archer shouted.

"Someone is looking for a long lost relative…" Krieger began. "Possibly a clone…"

"NO!" Archer snapped. "And no clones!"

"Someone was murdered," Cyril spoke up. "And we have to prove that our client was innocent."

"No! Nobody was murdered!" Archer snapped.

"Well not yet," Cheryl spoke up.

"Okay, I've got it," Pam spoke up. "We need to find some missing jewels…"

"No," Archer said.

"Missing artwork," Pam tried again.

"No!" Archer snapped.

"Missing heiress…" Pam tried again.

"No!" Archer snapped.

"Missing car…" Cyril tried.

"NO!" Archer shouted.

"Missing ocelot?" Cheryl spoke up.

"NO! And no missing pets!" Archer snapped. "I don't want to listen to a rundown of the entire animal kingdom!"

"Missing sex tape…" Pam tried again.

"He already said no blackmail!" Ray told him.

"You can misplace a sex tape without blackmail being involved!" Pam defended. "Right Ms. Archer?"

Mallory was about to say something but then thought a moment. "Well you're not wrong."

"No blackmail! No sex tapes!" Archer snapped.

"Well I got nothing," Pam admitted.

"Okay how about this…?" Krieger spoke up. "How about a missing statue…? Wait for it. That holds jewels but it turns out it's a fake!"

"That's the plot of the **Maltese Falcon**!" Archer snapped. "And no! It's not that either!"

"Is it the CIA?" Mallory asked. "Have we been reinstated as spies again?"

"No, it's not **that** ," Archer groaned. "Listen…"

"Hang on," Lana interrupted. She looked at Mallory. "How would we get reinstated as spies again? What have we done recently that merits that?"

"Well I assumed that the CIA needs us to do something…" Mallory shrugged.

"If you mean by taking the fall for their dirty work then yeah, that's the **only** way they'd take us back!" Lana barked.

"It's not the CIA," Archer sighed. "Listen…"

"Lana you don't know that," Mallory said.

"I know we can't trust those assholes as far as we can throw them," Lana told her.

"It's not about trust," Mallory said. "It's about doing them a favor…"

"An **illegal** favor," Cyril spoke up. "And let's face it, we didn't do that great a job the first time. Or the second. I'm not so sure they'd give us another chance."

"You heard Hawley," Krieger spoke up. "He said we were **done** being spies. Kaput. Finished. Never ever to stain…"

"I **heard** what he said Krieger!" Mallory snapped. "Right after **you** destroyed Dr. Kovacs machine!"

"Well if you want to be technical," Krieger shrugged.

"Hey! This has nothing to do with the CIA," Archer spoke up.

However, he was roundly ignored.

"That means nothing," Pam said. "If he's that desperate for us to do his dirty work for him he'll give us a call."

"Never say never," Cheryl said. "Guys that would be a great movie title!"

"I'm with Lana on this," Ray said. "Every mission we got from the CIA was a disaster!"

"We don't need the CIA," Lana said.

"Oh really, Lana?" Mallory snapped. "I'm assuming the reason you're saying that is because we have clients and money coming out of **our asses!"**

"Mother…" Archer groaned.

"So where are the clients Lana?" Mallory asked. "You know the ones with all the money? Money we don't need from the CIA?"

"We're getting off topic here…" Archer said.

"Perhaps the clients are hiding?" Mallory said sarcastically. She looked around. "Yoo hoo! Clients? Where **are** you? Olly olly oxen free! Come out, come out wherever you are!"

"She has a point Lana," Cyril said.

"What the hell Cyril?" Lana snapped. "Now you're on **her** side?"

"I'm on the side of **this agency!"** Cyril snapped. "And like it or not, we need to make money in the worst way!"

"Which is exactly what it would be to work for the CIA again," Lana snapped. "In the **worst** way!"

"Will you idiots just shut up for **five damn minutes** while I explain **exactly** what the news is?" Archer snapped. "IT'S NOT THE GOD DAMNED CIA!

"Well then what is it?" Lana sighed.

"Guys, you are not going to believe this," Archer said excitedly. "This is amazing!"

"What is it Sterling?" Mallory asked. "Tell us already!"

"Are you ready?" Archer asked.

"Yes!" The others said as one.

"Are you really ready?" Archer asked.

"Yes!" The others said.

"Are you really…" Archer began.

"Just tell us the news asshole!" Pam snapped.

"Get on with it!" Ray agreed.

"Seriously," Cheryl groaned.

"Sterling we are all waiting with baited breath to find out your news," Mallory said sarcastically. "So I advise you to not keep us waiting any longer. Unless you want to wait in line in the emergency room…"

"They're going to do a sequel to Magnum PI!" Archer said excitedly.

Everyone looked at him. Mallory looked at her son. "You have got to be **kidding** me?"

"I told you it would blow your mind," Archer grinned.

"This news definitely **blows** all right," Pam groaned. "And not in the fun way."

"No, it's not a joke! It's real!" Archer told them.

"It's sad is what it is," Lana groaned.

"That's not fair," Krieger spoke up. "You said no to clones!"

"It's not going to be one of those pathetic reboots with different actors if that's what you're thinking," Archer said. "It's a continuation of the legacy of Magnum PI. Carried on by…Wait for it…"

"Must we?" Cyril groaned.

"His daughter!" Archer crowed.

"What?" Lana blinked.

"It's going to be about Lily 'Tommy' Magnum," Archer explained. "And she's going to be a private investigator. In Hawaii! Isn't that awesome?"

"Is she going to drive the same stupid car as her old man?" Pam asked. "Or is she getting something practical? Like a Range Rover?"

"I dunno," Archer said. "I can see Magnum handing down his classic car to her. Father to daughter kind of thing."

"So to recap," Lana groaned. "You called this meeting just to tell us news about at **TV show**?"

"An awesome TV show!" Archer snapped.

"It's official," Mallory groaned. "California has turned what's left of your brain cells into confetti. Tiny little flicks of confetti flying around that empty head of yours!"

"This is why I should be running the meetings," Cyril groaned.

"Or at the very least not let Archer run them," Lana groaned.

"Her background is going to be awesome too!" Archer went on. "Get this, there will be hints about the mysterious blown spy operation that ended her career in Navy Intelligence!"

"Wait a former **spy** who got kicked out after a botched mission?" Lana did a double take. "Wait a minute…"

"That sounds…" Cheryl blinked. "Familiar for some reason."

"It's like they saw my life and decided to copy it!" Archer beamed.

"More like the other way around," Ray rolled his eyes.

"I'm going back to my office," Cyril groaned as he began to leave. "Here's some news, I'm going to have a drink."

"Breaking news," Mallory said sarcastically. "So am I."

Pam then farted. "Breaking wind," She smirked.

"Ugh…" Ray groaned as they started to leave.

"Seriously Archer," Lana groaned. "You got our hopes up for **that?"**

"Well they haven't started casting yet," Archer frowned. "I mean the part is pretty much open. I see what you mean. I hope they don't screw it up like they did _Studio 60 On The Sunset_ _Strip._ Matthew Perry as the funniest writer **alive?** I don't think so."

"I'm pretty sure you don't think, **period** ," Mallory grumbled as she left the room.


End file.
